ROCKS AND DAGGERS

My day started with a phone call from my aunt -- whose company was a client of my business. I say "was" because it seems she called my former partner last week regarding some orders and my partner never called her back.

I had a mixed reaction to this -- first of course, feeling a little betrayed that my aunt's company would even go to my former partner. After all, the split wasn't amicable, wasn't even my idea.

Then I felt upset -- that my former partner (let's call her Leah) dropped the ball again. In the 3 short years we worked together, that happened so often, especially towards the end, that I would plan for it. I'd give her orders with different due dates, make specific instructions, call to confirm, etc.

Finally, I felt vindicated -- that she's failing without me.

That led to analysis and reflection. Why do I feel this way? Is it healthy to feel this way? Why can't I let it go?

I can't let it go because it was my life for the past 3 years -- that's not easy. I can't let it go because the business has 2 large orders for my contacts next weekend and I'm worried -- really worried that they won't go off without a hitch and that I'm not a part of it, have no control over it anymore.

I've had a stomachache all day. I rarely have stomachaches. Now I understand why I have this one.

Last week, I said that I was going to take my friend's advice and just sit with it for a while, not worry about not having all the answers. Being ok with it, owning it. I haven't done that. Instead, I worried about how to answer the "what are you up to?" and "how's the business?" questions at my aunt's wake. I never thought about how to answer them at the bridal shower I went to this weekend. So for that, I was caught off-guard.

Truth is, I'm having a hard time with it all. A hard time just sitting with it and accepting my situation so I can move on. I want to move on, find a job, find a little worth back in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm worth more than a paycheck -- there's more to value than money. But, like I've said before, I've been working since I was old enough to babysit (10 I think?). I tutored a younger kid in my school in the 6th grade! By my last year of college, I had 3 part-time jobs to pay my way.

I'm a newlywed and I'm also newly broke. Personally I have no money and I am still working on how to ask my husband for some -- how to ask even for grocery money, since it's always been my job to pay for the groceries! No matter how many times my husband may say it's our money, I just don't feel it.

So, I'm having a hard time sitting with it. And the funny thing is, if this were a break-up, I'd totally sit around, have a good, old-fashioned, pity party (I mean, Ben & Jerry's pints good) and take a while to reflect and own it. Learn from it and eventually move on.

Maybe I just need my "rebound" career. Too bad it's even difficult to get a job at Starbuck's these days.