Wednesday is usually our "date night". This past Wednesday was the first night in months that Andy wouldn't have to work late. I felt like I had been patiently awaiting this night. I even planned a good dinner and homemade dessert to celebrate.
Then Andy told me he had to check on James' cats before he came home. He works an hour away on a good day (usually 1 1/2 hours in rush hour) and James lives 40 minutes away from us, in the opposite direction of Andy's work. Still, Andy assured me he'd be home by 7.
At 7:45, Andy called to say he was on his way home from James' house. I was upset, knowing he wouldn't be home until well after 8 and likely tired. I was hungry too. It's frustrating to try and time a dinner to be ready at a certain time and then have the guest of honor be 1 1/2 hours late. So I told Andy I was going to eat.
"Go ahead and eat," he agreed, a little too cheerfully.
"I am," I replied and added "and I guess I'll walk the dog since you won't be home for a while."
I walked the dog all over town, trying to get a grip on my anger and formulate what I would say to my husband. We were gone for over an hour. I gave up on walking my anger away, knowing I'd have to face the music and talk to my husband.
When I came home, I went to the basement to pull up my trunk of summer clothes, the trunk Andy's been promising to pull up since mid-April. I threw things around, trying to dig out the trunk, and getting a physical release of my anger without breaking anything or anyone.
By then, I was angry, hot and sweaty so I hit the shower. I took a long shower.
A little calmer, I went into the office to talk to Andy. I told him something that surprised me but came clear on my walk. I was feeling taken for granted. I told Andy I knew he didn't mean to make me feel this way, but I felt that way nonetheless. I needed him to know -- and then I asked him to clean up from the spoiled dinner.
We agreed that these past couple of months have been rough -- for him because work got so busy he had time or energy for little else. For me because work is no longer there and work wasn't just work, it was my business. And what comes next for me is not something I can figure out for myself -- I need to talk this over with my husband. So, we agreed to make the time for us and to not sign up for any new obligations for the next couple of months. We'd have to learn to say "no" to our friends.
Friday, Andy called me from work to check in, knowing that I was upset because he had told me for 2 weeks that he was taking the day off. More work obligations so how could I not be understanding? Andy suggested we go out that night, maybe dinner and a movie -- my pick. So, I picked a restaurant we had never been to in our neighborhood (in part because they have Patron xo Cafe -- coffee-flavored tequila!) where we could sit and enjoy dinner and cocktails and conversation. Which is what we did and it was good. We finally talked about what comes next for me and for us. Careers and family-wise. It was the beginning of a long conversation and I'll take it.
--------------------------------------
Today, I have red currants and strawberries from the farmers' market. There are surprisingly few recipes online for fresh red currants. I decided to make sorbet. Here's my recipe:
150 ml (2/3 c) water
140 g (5/8 c) sugar
1/2 t lime zest
1/2 c red currant juice*
1/2 c strawberry juice*
juice of 2 limes
In a small saucepan, bring sugar, water and lime zest to a boil. Reduce heat to simmer and simmer for 5 minutes. Cool completely.
Mix your fruit juices with sugar syrup to taste (add as much syrup as you want depending on how sweet you want the sorbet -- I added the whole amount).
Pour mixture into ice-cream maker and whirl away according to manufacturer's directions. Enjoy!
*(I juiced mine in a juicer but you can put in a food processor and strain out the seed)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
OVER AND OVER
My girlfriends and I are in a bookclub -- it's sort of the core of what keeps us together, though we all came here as friends of most one another in the group already.
Several years later, we still meet at least once a month for one thing or another. We're lucky if bookclub is actually held every other month.
As you can imagine, we girlfriends can be our best friends and worst enemies. We share everything -- rejoicing in one another's triumphs and criticizing one another's mistakes, all in the name of friendship. And, like any group, certain of us get along better than others on an individual basis, or a given day. But we all get along well enough to share a (short) book discussion and a (longer) conversation about anything and everything -- nothing is off limits.
We're ALL strong-willed, as passionate with our anger as we are with our kindness.
Sometimes the criticism and anger ring louder.
Tonight was one of those nights. Since I try not to share other people's business, I will just say that I did end up telling two friends to stop it. Just stop the analyzing of another friend's situation to death. It was just too much I could tell.
There were more situations like that tonight than normally and it just made me uptight and uncomfortable and a little sad at how some of us can be so abrasive and pushy and think it's OK because we mean well.
Tonight, I called bullshit. And, judging by the thank-you's I got, it was well appreciated.
But it still leaves me wondering why we "friends" are sometimes our own worst enemies. What does it mean to support your friends -- is it unconditional and are you still allowed to opine even when opinions are not asked for? Are unsolicited opinions, most often of the critical sort, the opposite of being supportive by their mere nature?
These are the things which will keep me awake tonight.
Several years later, we still meet at least once a month for one thing or another. We're lucky if bookclub is actually held every other month.
As you can imagine, we girlfriends can be our best friends and worst enemies. We share everything -- rejoicing in one another's triumphs and criticizing one another's mistakes, all in the name of friendship. And, like any group, certain of us get along better than others on an individual basis, or a given day. But we all get along well enough to share a (short) book discussion and a (longer) conversation about anything and everything -- nothing is off limits.
We're ALL strong-willed, as passionate with our anger as we are with our kindness.
Sometimes the criticism and anger ring louder.
Tonight was one of those nights. Since I try not to share other people's business, I will just say that I did end up telling two friends to stop it. Just stop the analyzing of another friend's situation to death. It was just too much I could tell.
There were more situations like that tonight than normally and it just made me uptight and uncomfortable and a little sad at how some of us can be so abrasive and pushy and think it's OK because we mean well.
Tonight, I called bullshit. And, judging by the thank-you's I got, it was well appreciated.
But it still leaves me wondering why we "friends" are sometimes our own worst enemies. What does it mean to support your friends -- is it unconditional and are you still allowed to opine even when opinions are not asked for? Are unsolicited opinions, most often of the critical sort, the opposite of being supportive by their mere nature?
These are the things which will keep me awake tonight.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Go Fish
Yesterday, my sister-in-law and just-turned 5 y.o. nephew came to the house. My SIL, Mandy, needed inspiration to cook dinners for her family. The plan was to hunt through cookbooks for meals for the week and then go shopping.
Mandy and Caleb met me on the porch as I was watering my flowers. Caleb had something in his hands and wanted me to "Guess what, Mari.. Aunt Marisa!"
"You're 5," I guessed.
"No, I have this new gameitsgofishandwecanplayit!" He talks faster than the words can tumble out of his mouth.
So, before we started menu planning, Mandy dealt us all in for a round of Go Fish.
Since it was my first time playing (at least with him), Caleb declared that I got to go first.
I immediately laid down two pairs of fish and started asking -- "Caleb, do you have a stingray?"
Caleb reluctantly handed me a stingray.
"Mandy, do you have a starfish?" And soon I had a starfish pair.
On and on it went, until I had no cards and neither Caleb nor Mandy got a chance to "go fish".
Caleb started the next round and I was the last to "go fish". Though I tried not to, I won that round too.
"Wow, Aunt Marisa!"
"It must be my lucky day," I said.
"No, it's my lucky day!" Caleb announced.
"Why?"
"Because I get to spend it with you!"
And that is how a just-turned 5 y.o. makes a grown woman's heart melt.
Mandy and Caleb met me on the porch as I was watering my flowers. Caleb had something in his hands and wanted me to "Guess what, Mari.. Aunt Marisa!"
"You're 5," I guessed.
"No, I have this new gameitsgofishandwecanplayit!" He talks faster than the words can tumble out of his mouth.
So, before we started menu planning, Mandy dealt us all in for a round of Go Fish.
Since it was my first time playing (at least with him), Caleb declared that I got to go first.
I immediately laid down two pairs of fish and started asking -- "Caleb, do you have a stingray?"
Caleb reluctantly handed me a stingray.
"Mandy, do you have a starfish?" And soon I had a starfish pair.
On and on it went, until I had no cards and neither Caleb nor Mandy got a chance to "go fish".
Caleb started the next round and I was the last to "go fish". Though I tried not to, I won that round too.
"Wow, Aunt Marisa!"
"It must be my lucky day," I said.
"No, it's my lucky day!" Caleb announced.
"Why?"
"Because I get to spend it with you!"
And that is how a just-turned 5 y.o. makes a grown woman's heart melt.
Monday, June 7, 2010
ROCKS AND DAGGERS
My day started with a phone call from my aunt -- whose company was a client of my business. I say "was" because it seems she called my former partner last week regarding some orders and my partner never called her back.
I had a mixed reaction to this -- first of course, feeling a little betrayed that my aunt's company would even go to my former partner. After all, the split wasn't amicable, wasn't even my idea.
Then I felt upset -- that my former partner (let's call her Leah) dropped the ball again. In the 3 short years we worked together, that happened so often, especially towards the end, that I would plan for it. I'd give her orders with different due dates, make specific instructions, call to confirm, etc.
Finally, I felt vindicated -- that she's failing without me.
That led to analysis and reflection. Why do I feel this way? Is it healthy to feel this way? Why can't I let it go?
I can't let it go because it was my life for the past 3 years -- that's not easy. I can't let it go because the business has 2 large orders for my contacts next weekend and I'm worried -- really worried that they won't go off without a hitch and that I'm not a part of it, have no control over it anymore.
I've had a stomachache all day. I rarely have stomachaches. Now I understand why I have this one.
Last week, I said that I was going to take my friend's advice and just sit with it for a while, not worry about not having all the answers. Being ok with it, owning it. I haven't done that. Instead, I worried about how to answer the "what are you up to?" and "how's the business?" questions at my aunt's wake. I never thought about how to answer them at the bridal shower I went to this weekend. So for that, I was caught off-guard.
Truth is, I'm having a hard time with it all. A hard time just sitting with it and accepting my situation so I can move on. I want to move on, find a job, find a little worth back in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm worth more than a paycheck -- there's more to value than money. But, like I've said before, I've been working since I was old enough to babysit (10 I think?). I tutored a younger kid in my school in the 6th grade! By my last year of college, I had 3 part-time jobs to pay my way.
I'm a newlywed and I'm also newly broke. Personally I have no money and I am still working on how to ask my husband for some -- how to ask even for grocery money, since it's always been my job to pay for the groceries! No matter how many times my husband may say it's our money, I just don't feel it.
So, I'm having a hard time sitting with it. And the funny thing is, if this were a break-up, I'd totally sit around, have a good, old-fashioned, pity party (I mean, Ben & Jerry's pints good) and take a while to reflect and own it. Learn from it and eventually move on.
Maybe I just need my "rebound" career. Too bad it's even difficult to get a job at Starbuck's these days.
I had a mixed reaction to this -- first of course, feeling a little betrayed that my aunt's company would even go to my former partner. After all, the split wasn't amicable, wasn't even my idea.
Then I felt upset -- that my former partner (let's call her Leah) dropped the ball again. In the 3 short years we worked together, that happened so often, especially towards the end, that I would plan for it. I'd give her orders with different due dates, make specific instructions, call to confirm, etc.
Finally, I felt vindicated -- that she's failing without me.
That led to analysis and reflection. Why do I feel this way? Is it healthy to feel this way? Why can't I let it go?
I can't let it go because it was my life for the past 3 years -- that's not easy. I can't let it go because the business has 2 large orders for my contacts next weekend and I'm worried -- really worried that they won't go off without a hitch and that I'm not a part of it, have no control over it anymore.
I've had a stomachache all day. I rarely have stomachaches. Now I understand why I have this one.
Last week, I said that I was going to take my friend's advice and just sit with it for a while, not worry about not having all the answers. Being ok with it, owning it. I haven't done that. Instead, I worried about how to answer the "what are you up to?" and "how's the business?" questions at my aunt's wake. I never thought about how to answer them at the bridal shower I went to this weekend. So for that, I was caught off-guard.
Truth is, I'm having a hard time with it all. A hard time just sitting with it and accepting my situation so I can move on. I want to move on, find a job, find a little worth back in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm worth more than a paycheck -- there's more to value than money. But, like I've said before, I've been working since I was old enough to babysit (10 I think?). I tutored a younger kid in my school in the 6th grade! By my last year of college, I had 3 part-time jobs to pay my way.
I'm a newlywed and I'm also newly broke. Personally I have no money and I am still working on how to ask my husband for some -- how to ask even for grocery money, since it's always been my job to pay for the groceries! No matter how many times my husband may say it's our money, I just don't feel it.
So, I'm having a hard time sitting with it. And the funny thing is, if this were a break-up, I'd totally sit around, have a good, old-fashioned, pity party (I mean, Ben & Jerry's pints good) and take a while to reflect and own it. Learn from it and eventually move on.
Maybe I just need my "rebound" career. Too bad it's even difficult to get a job at Starbuck's these days.
Friday, June 4, 2010
CEILING FAN IN MY SPOON
I have known Andy for almost 3 years. We've been married for just over 3 months.
In that time, I've done a LOT of baking for him. The last great thing I made was his birthday cake -- a lemon pound cake with lemon curd filling and cream cheese icing. It was a hit with everyone at the dinner party.
Today, I made 60 cupcakes for my good friend's bridal shower. 1/2 are purple velvet (instead of red) and 1/2 are lemon. Tonight, I made lemon curd for the icing and brought Andy a large spoonful for him to taste.
He tasted it. I waited for his response (read: praise). And waited. And finally I said, "well?"
"You know I don't like lemon," he declared.
Well of course I didn't know. He claimed to have told me this countless times before. I pointed out that I would not have made him a lemon birthday cake had I known.
Andy responded with the dreaded "I love you, but..."
The BUT -- the one that negates whatever precedes it.
The full sentence being "Honey, I love you but you made that cake for yourself."
????????????????
I still don't know quite what to make of it, except what I told him -- that that wasn't true.
And I'm hurt by what he said, which was clear I'm sure by the look on my face. I mean, his birthday was 4 months ago and the thought, that he thinks I made his birthday cake for me is just upsurd!
It's like he doesn't know me. And apparently I don't know him. Or at least that he doesn't like lemons.
Which is hard to believe considering how much of that cake he ate.
Ahh, yes, I exaggerate. He does know me. He knows just how to piss me off disproportionately to how trivial an issue this is.
After all, this means more lemon curd for me!
In that time, I've done a LOT of baking for him. The last great thing I made was his birthday cake -- a lemon pound cake with lemon curd filling and cream cheese icing. It was a hit with everyone at the dinner party.
Today, I made 60 cupcakes for my good friend's bridal shower. 1/2 are purple velvet (instead of red) and 1/2 are lemon. Tonight, I made lemon curd for the icing and brought Andy a large spoonful for him to taste.
He tasted it. I waited for his response (read: praise). And waited. And finally I said, "well?"
"You know I don't like lemon," he declared.
Well of course I didn't know. He claimed to have told me this countless times before. I pointed out that I would not have made him a lemon birthday cake had I known.
Andy responded with the dreaded "I love you, but..."
The BUT -- the one that negates whatever precedes it.
The full sentence being "Honey, I love you but you made that cake for yourself."
????????????????
I still don't know quite what to make of it, except what I told him -- that that wasn't true.
And I'm hurt by what he said, which was clear I'm sure by the look on my face. I mean, his birthday was 4 months ago and the thought, that he thinks I made his birthday cake for me is just upsurd!
It's like he doesn't know me. And apparently I don't know him. Or at least that he doesn't like lemons.
Which is hard to believe considering how much of that cake he ate.
Ahh, yes, I exaggerate. He does know me. He knows just how to piss me off disproportionately to how trivial an issue this is.
After all, this means more lemon curd for me!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
HANG ON TO YOUR EGO
Today is the first official day I have had nothing whatsoever to do with my business.
Well, actually, I have 2 events this month that I am assisting my former partner with. I cannot wait for June 15th, when I will be done with it all.
Or can I?
Today I am unemployed. Officially. It's the first time I've felt this too, even though I knew it was coming, even though yesterday was the end of my former career. I'm trying to embrace it and feel it, take my friend's advice and just own it.
So far it sucks.
I think the main reason it sucks (aside from the killer headache I've had all day) is because, in a couple hours, I am going to my great aunt's funeral. She was 86 and I think she lived a great life. I don't know. She never married and lived with her sister, who also never married. I wonder what life will be like for my other aunt, who, at 83, is living alone for the first time ever in her life.
Lots to think about. With an Irish Catholic wake, comes a huge social hour. Our wakes are huge social hours, big parties in a sense. A celebration of life.
And a lot of questions about what you are up to these days.
I wish I had an answer for that.
What am I up to these days?
Well, actually, I have 2 events this month that I am assisting my former partner with. I cannot wait for June 15th, when I will be done with it all.
Or can I?
Today I am unemployed. Officially. It's the first time I've felt this too, even though I knew it was coming, even though yesterday was the end of my former career. I'm trying to embrace it and feel it, take my friend's advice and just own it.
So far it sucks.
I think the main reason it sucks (aside from the killer headache I've had all day) is because, in a couple hours, I am going to my great aunt's funeral. She was 86 and I think she lived a great life. I don't know. She never married and lived with her sister, who also never married. I wonder what life will be like for my other aunt, who, at 83, is living alone for the first time ever in her life.
Lots to think about. With an Irish Catholic wake, comes a huge social hour. Our wakes are huge social hours, big parties in a sense. A celebration of life.
And a lot of questions about what you are up to these days.
I wish I had an answer for that.
What am I up to these days?
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